If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.