DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Woke up against my better judgement again
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect