Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table