I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.