Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.