I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I鈥檓 going to need help writing his obituary.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can鈥檛 say the same things about my boyfriend.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The Home Depot guy doesn鈥檛 care why we鈥檙e buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
saving face 馃憖
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I鈥檓 glad you鈥檝e come to me about this matter
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.