I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
when someone rings the doorbell
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead