“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
True statement👍😏😁
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or