In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Whisper out to librarians!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
oh good, now I can stop drinking
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?