Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Important
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls