Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
found my next D&D character name
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way