Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call