iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok