On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”