[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
You Might Also Like
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.