Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger