Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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asked my bf how work was today
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Holy shit he’s back
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?