I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
#merica