I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
KFC hitting the cannibal market
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib