Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
You Might Also Like
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!