My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
These work great until they don’t.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.