Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
The future is now.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this