Tier 3 meme
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Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
new career option?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!