fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
going to the ER y’all need anything
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.