*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
fair
If I ignore life will it go away?
technically true but not a great slogan
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.