As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Wednesday
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down