My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*