HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes