I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it