When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
This is the best one I’ve seen
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*