I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Candles never taste the way they smell
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.