Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
knights of the ikea table
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.