If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
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Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
ready to be harvested
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.