CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
man: wait
time: no
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster