Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.