Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
You Might Also Like
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
finally
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.