This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.