My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day