Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*