In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*me flirting
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Great acting.. 😂
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.