that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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4
5
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9
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90Me: Nailed it.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Meow
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.