People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend