wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
You Might Also Like
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”