Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My blood type is b hungry.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.