My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me