Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.