No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Banderslack Clamberdorch
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak