Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You know I’m something of a chef myself
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So we got a goldfish…