*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.