I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
bears
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
#JohnTravolta
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life